Getting to grips with the hand you are dealt

Since my last post I have been reading A LOT about IVF. I bought a great book from Amazon that was written by a woman who having been through IVF realised there are few publications out there that give you the scientific facts and the emotional impact of IVF. She pooled together opinions and thoughts from women going through the process and it was great to read that I am not alone in my feelings on this process.

So what are my feelings?

When they say it is an emotional rollercoaster, they are not kidding. I am:

• terrified of the treatment not working (that I will have put myself through so much for no result)
• terrified that the treatment might work (oh my goodness, I could be a mum next year)
• excited that it might work
• hopeful that it might work
• realistic in that my chances are less than 50%
• worried that I might get my hopes up - I am young and healthy bar my lack of eggs, which should in theory stand me in good stead for the embryo(s) to implant
• concerned that a positive pregnancy test is just the start and it will take further tests to ensure that the pregnancy lasts
• worried they might not get enough eggs, that the eggs might not fertilise
• scared about making decisions about the progress of my treatment (when to put the embryos back in, how many to put in)
• concerned that many doctors treat the first round of treatment as a bit of a test to see how your body responds thinking next time we can adjust the drugs regime - but not sure I have the time to raise funds to pay privately for another round
• scared that I don't have the guts to inject myself
• worried that my husband finds science and biology too interesting to inject for me with sensitivity
• not sure how I feel about the freezing and later use of frozen embryos

What I have least clarity on is at what stage we get to discuss the progress of the treatment with the doctors. My fear is that many decisions will have to be taken on the spot. For example, it is the clinics policy that they only put back one embryo in women under 37. Presumably because they feel that women under that age have time to try again. That's not the case for me. But if you opt for two embryos to go back you increase your chances of a pregnancy and obviously increase the chance of twins, but also increase the chance of miscarriage and having children born with health problems. There are a lot of tough decisions to be made and I don't want to feel like I am having to rush to make them. I admit it, I am a control freak.

The big science experiment begins!

Chris and I have just discovered that our chances of successfully conceiving naturally are less than 5%. I'm no statistician but that can't be good!

We first saw a consultant last November who apart from carrying out a whole host of blood tests and scans on me (and sperm count tests for Chris) put me through the pain and discomfort of a laparoscopy in March this year.

My results all revealed normal findings. Knowing that there is a history of premature menopause for women in my family (33-35 for mum, aunt and nanna), I opted to pay privately through the consultant for a test to discover the state of my ovarian reserve (which would indicate whether or not premature menopause is likely to be an issue for me).

We had the results just over 2 weeks ago. So what would these results indicate:

40-48 = high fertility (and what a dr would expect to see for a healthy patient in their late 20s)

20-40 = average fertility

5-20 = low fertility

0-5 = infertile

So what was my score?

7.

Bummer.

The dr went on to explain those results aren't "catastrophic" but had we come back in a year's time they would be unlikely to be able to help us (whilst the dr did her best to focus on the positives, the entire time she was speaking I was reading the subtext which was basically, your results were shockingly low for your age - I was sceptical about your premature menopause claims but looks like you were telling the truth!)

So what are our options now? The only real option for us to have a baby is to go for ICSI. This is one stage further than IVF (in IVF they harvest eggs and mix with sperm, allowing the sperm and eggs to fertilise naturually (well as naturally as they can in a test tube!)). With ICSI they do the first bit the same as IVF up to the fertilisation bit but go one stage further by actually injecting each egg with a sperm to force fertilisation.

We had a planning session with the nurse on Monday of this week and picked up our (I say "our", but really I mean "my") drugs.

It's quite a daunting regime:

I thought it would be of interest to people to understand more about how this marvellous science experiment works (having had no clue other than it involves injections until a week ago). There are two different ways of doing IVF/ICSI insofar as the drugs regime is concerned. One where they suppress your body's own hormones for a few weeks (to put you into a temporary chemical induced menopause) then give you a load of hormones. The other (and the one I will be on) they work with your natural cycle and just boost your own natural hormones.

Timeline (reference to the days refers to days in the cycle):

Day 2 - go for scan to check lining all okay and healthy and right thickness and start drugs by injecting to boost the ovulation process to make my ovaries release a number of follicles (continue with these drugs until about day 12)

Day 5 - start some anatagonist drugs to release the follicles

Day 6 - scan to check number of follicles and size and progress

Day 11 - scan to check number of follicles and size and progress to decide if ready to be harvested.

Day 12 - If all looking good for harvesting, get a hCG injection (the pregnancy hormone) to trick the body into thinking it is pregnant

Day 14 - get put under general anaesthetic for follicles to be harvested. Chris gives a sample of semen to be used in the lab to fertilise the eggs

Day 14-15 embryos are grown in the lab and checked to ensure they are healthy and dividing normally. If more than 6 embryos are doing well, they will continue to grow them for another few days to get to blastocyst stage (100 cells or more)

Day 15 or 18 - the best looking embryo is implanted back into my uterus (done whilst conscious with the use of a catheter in the purpose built entrance!) Start a high dose of progesterone

Day 29 or 32 - go back to the clinic for a pregnancy test.

If pregnant, the progesterone prescription will continue to be taken up to 12 weeks.

The Big Taylor Science Experiment begins at the end of August.

Reflexology

I have just returned from my first session of reflexology. All I can say is WOW - it is amazing. What she was able to tell about me from my feet seriously freaked. me. out.

So what did she say?

• I have crystals in my fallopian tubes - this is a build up of toxins in a specific area
• I have a lot of toxins in my system that get trapped, particularly in my shoulders which are "crunchy" - what really amazed me is that is totally right. If I roll my shoulders you can hear them crunching! But coming out of there my shoulders felt much better than normal (not perfect but definitely improved)
• My head senses are overstimulated ie sight, speech and hearing. I need to chill out by sitting in a dark room. I need to read less (which is killing me because I love to read to relax, but apparently that doesn't do it for me).
• My stress levels are high (they probably are, but I don't consider myself to be stressed)
• I operate at 110 miles per hour and run on adrenalin. There is a lot of adrenalin in my system and to help combat it, I need to eat small snacks throughout the day - at least every 3 hours.
• I have a male boss - I mean HOW DO THEY KNOW THAT???

It was fascinating. So I am going to have regular treatment for the next few weeks to work on these toxin build ups to see if it makes a difference.

30 Things to do before I am 30

It was my birthday last week and I am now in my last year of my twenties! Eek! How did that happen?

To celebrate/commiserate the passing of my twenties, I thought it was time I started putting into action some of those life long ambitions. You never know what life has in store for you and without some goals, there are many dreams or ambitions that must go unfulfilled. So. I have decided to put together a list of 30 things to do before I am 30.

The list goes something like this (in no particular order)

1. Do a parachute jump
2. Go zorbing
3. Go rock climbing outdoors
4. Get a promotion at work
5. learn to sail
6. watch an asteroid shower (need to check if one is due!)
7. go to a festival
8. volunteer
9. climb the three peaks (not necessarily all on the same day!)
10. enter a 10k race
11. lose 1.5 stone
12. join a netball team
13. learn yoga
14. audition for the x-factor/talent based TV show (not because I think I would have ANY hope of winning but because it would be funny)
15. improve my French
16. go to a concert in the park
17. Visit the natural history museum (I don't think I have ever been!)
18. Have tea at the Ritz
19. Milk a cow
20. See Stonehenge
21. Take a photo that is good enough to be enlarged on canvas and hung in the front room
22. Read (and finish) "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" (I started it once but only got to habit 4 - I hate to think what that says about me!)
23. Do more walking (the hill type - not just down to the shops)
24. Read the entire works of [author] TBC
25. Watch the Tigers for a full season
26. Spend a full day at the spa
27. see a Shakespeare play by the RSC

and some more personal ones not for public consumption!

Wish me luck - I'll be sure to post photos of me doing all of this crazy stuff - item 1 is already sorted for 9th August! Aargh!

Hmm, it's a while since I have posted anything! whoops.

So what's new in the Taylor household? Firstly, Chris and I just came home from a week's trip to the Red Sea in Egypt. We booked to go on the trip over a year ago originally but had to pull out when Chris's work said he was needed in the UK for a key project date and then subsequently pulled him off the project after we had sold our spaces. Then two weeks before the trip managed to get back on it. It was a dive holiday on a live-aboard boat, Whirlwind. Chris loved being able to dive the wrecks and reefs of the Northern Red Sea, but meanwhile I was bored to tears!

I didn't dive (having suffered a huge nosebleed when I first jumped in the water to then have my mask starting to fill with blood). I took the hint from the big man upstairs to quit diving. I know that sounds slightly melodramatic, but every time I go diving something happens, so I was quitting whilst I was ahead.

The thing I missed most about this holiday was spending quality time with Chris. We are so busy week to week that holidays for us provide a real chance for us to reconnect and catch up. That's tricky to do when you have another 20 people with you in a confined space and all of Chris's time was taken up diving or dive planning.

As for what else is new, Chris and I are under a fertility consultant at the hospital at the moment. I had a laparoscopy at the end of April to see what was going on but the findings were normal. The consultant has asked me to re-do some blood tests which had some unusual results (why they didnt think that should be done before they start cutting me open is beyond me). I have also had to pay £76 to get a blood test done privately to see what my egg reserve is like (which will show if premature menopause is likely to be an issue for me - it runs in my family). Chris doesn't escape however and is also going to have to repeat his tests. The consultant has a few suggestions on where we go next, but I think we will wait to see what the next lot of tests reveal before we make any decisions.

I recently went to see Wicked in the West End with some friends. It was a good day out and a fabulous show. I had goose bumps during "Defying Gravity". Rachel Tucker as Elphaba was brilliant. Lee Mead as Fiyero was also really good. It goes to show that reality TV can showcase British talent.

Chris and I are now season ticket holders for the Leicester Tigers. I think it will be good for us to do something different and get out of the house and spend some time together.

Catch up

Chris and I had a busy christmas - up and down the motorway for most of the time, so my week off soon passed and felt like little more than a weekend.

The week before Christmas I had realised I had achieved nothing!!! See post below regarding home made gifts!!! So, I took the Wednesday before christmas off work and baked and baked and baked some more. I made hampers for the Taylor side of the family - jars of home baked cookies, cakes, hot chocolate jars, belgian chocolates, a charity cookbook and a bottle of Schloer.

We arrived at my parents on christmas eve, straight from work and opened our presents in the morning. My brother Keith bought my mum and iPod pre-loaded with all her CDs and a docking station. My mum proudly told people at work she had been given a "doctors station"! She has figured out how to use it but heaven help her when she wants a new CD putting on it - or even better a download!

We had a fun New Years Eve with Catherine and Ben - a quiet affair, but fun, food and SingStar. We went for a walk on New Years day and Ben did a great job at teaching Chris and I how to frisbee - (Ben played for England Ultimate Frisbee at university and is an enthusiastic teacher).

So what does 2010 hold for the Taylor household? A lot of work, hopefully some nice holidays, a small short trip to the hospital for me (sssh, I'm in denial) and hopefully getting a bit fitter and healthier.

I wait with baited breath for the general election this year. Not only to see who will win (though I am confident that the Conservatives will be elected) but also to see the economic policies that follow the new government. The newspapers slant on the economic climate is positive at the moment, but what they fail to explain in their articles is that many businesses have stayed afloat during the recession as a result of HM Revenue and Customs being more lenient on corporate taxes (PAYE and VAT especially) by allowing businesses "time to pay". However, many businesses are already starting to default on these arrangements and they cannot continue indefinitely. The general feeling in the world of insolvency is that a new government will have to take some action on this, which will result in more business failures and unemployment in quarter 3 and 4 of 2010. So - unless the next government is prepared to wipe these debts out the tax man is going to have to be a bit sterner with tax defaulters. Keep saving and watch your spending to ensure you don't get caught out this year by the media hype.

This year I also want to:

• get out more with my camera
• go skiing
• be more active - rock climbing/skiing/walking/gym
• progress my career
• have regular date nights with my husband - it's going to be a busy year for both of us, so it is important that we spend quality time together

Passing Ships

Chris and I have been like passing ships this week.

Our week has gone something like this:

Chris Laura

Saturday helping my mum and dad out at their new place in Crewe
Sunday NEC Dive show Work for 5 hours
Monday College - home 10.30 Catching up with a friend - home 10.00
Tuesday Dive club - home 12.00 Work - home 10.00
Wednesday Committee mtg - home 11.20 Work - home 11.00
Thursday Scotland away overnight Work - home 9.00

So tomorrow night is supposed to be date night so we can catch up as Chris is working on Saturday and diving on Sunday. Hopefully Chris will get back early enough.

I have been working in two transactions both of which seemed to fall apart atleast once today!

Deal 1 - The deal collapsed after a week and a half of working hard on it (including my 5 hour stint on Sunday).

Deal 2 - The deal collapsed because some crazy Israeli's refuse to take english legal advice and so don't understand the contract. I have discovered that you cannot negotiate with the ignorant because they are unable to see where you come from. I was then pretty much bad-mouthed by a corporate financier who lied by saying (a) I hadn't returned his messages (which he must have imagined leaving me because no messages were received) and (b) that I was being "uncommercial" by refusing to allow my client to be left open to an unacceptable degree of risk. Grr. I hate that when people are doing a poor job they see fit to blame some other innocent party. Luckily the client on this job knows me well and will not have believed the contents of this email!

Anyway, who wants to read about my boring work!

The other interesting thing from my day/week is toilet related which is a bit bizarre! Let me start by explaining that my offices are on the 2nd floor of a building. The ladies toilets are often left in, shall we say, an unacceptable state by some so called "ladies". To the extent that there are signs on the back of the doors which state "These toilets are communal facilities and as such, please consider other users by checking you have left the toilet in an acceptable state before leaving. A moment's check can save embarassment." People obviously totally ignore this wise advice! So. For the last year or so, I keep spotting a very well groomed leggy blonde dashing from the toilets to the door to the stairwell. She does not work for my firm and through a network of spies we worked out that she was from the ground floor. Why would someone come up 4 flights of stairs to use a toilet? Exactly. We figured out she was coming because she did not want to be embarassed by her bowel movements in front of her colleagues (but was apparently happy for us on the 2nd floor to be more than familiar with her movements!). So today I saw her whilst brushing my brace at the sinks, so decided to challenge her. I started by playing dumb "Sorry, I don't think I know you. Do you work on this floor?" "No." she sates, looking a bit embarassed and desperate to wash her hands as quickly as possible. "How come you are using these toilets then?" I ask. "I would use the 4th floor but its a bit far" she responds (as if that now makes perfect sense!). "Are your toilets broken?" I ask. "No, but they are always dirty so I prefer to use these ones and I use it to get some exercise." She quickly rushes out the door. Is it just me or is this lady a bit weird? She was clearly embarassed to be challenged but why should we have to put up with her toilet habits???